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| Today
They look at me, I look back...
They wonder why..
They all ask why.....
Try to hide my eyes from them, but they try to catch a glance.
All they see is blank...
water...
falling down like rain...
Grandpa ask whats wrong..
I look away....
Catch a deep breathe and look at him
smile and say nothing at all...
A Butterfly
"Wish I was a butterfly
With colorful wings soaring up high
Gracefully singing into the air
With such silent notes, songs never heard
No one could guess where I will lead
No one could notice the heart that weeps
For such soundless voice, only tears will show
Fading as I may... they will never ever know"
When you say goodbye
You're leaving everything you knew
And everything that was
Because that's saying “were through”
Everything will change..
nothing wont be the same...
You said goodbye...
but I wont say a word.....
You'll never know
how much
your laughter fills my soul,
making all the little problems of the day disappear.
You'll never know
how much it means to me
when you do or say something
thoughtful and totally unexpected —
usually just at the moment I need it most.
You'll never know
how much pride I hold in my heart
for the person you are and the things you do —
for your strength and your gentleness,
your courage and your determination,
your accomplishments and your dreams.
You'll never know
how much I need you by my side —
in the best of times and the worst of times
and all the times in between.
It really doesn't matter where we are
or what we're doing,
as long as we're together to share it all.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
but...you will never ever know...
Today... today..today... today.. have nothing to say... I dont find the words i want to say. I made some decisions, some which I dont know why...or whats the point now, but eeh I guess. I havent talked to my uncle since I still dont have my celly...... I also been trying to get into this program, I just need clearence from my doctors, but I'll see how it goes. I kinda want to since it was something I always wanted to do when I got out of high school.. Also mya be people are right... may be... everyone is right....
less than 50 days to mark a destiny...
To see the future...
less than 50 days to see if hopes or God exist...
less than 50 days to not fear life.....
less than 50 days to know the truth....
less than 50 days I'll know....
less than 50 days.......
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| So last night I started a fever  and eventually started to get higher that lasted almost through the whole night. Right now I have it at 99.2 and since I'm not with my actual doctor, he was thinking I had GVH on the lungs and wanted to get me on steroids but gladly i refused because I knew that wasn't the case. So on my CT scans showed some shadows on the upper part of my lungs  Then to finish things up I got winded just by walking to the restroom. This sucks I'm so tired of all this... of this whole situation, but whatever. He eventually decided to do another CT and put me on O2. SO right now his working on a way to transfer me to another hospital to get the adequated treatments for what I'm going through okay.  I guess. At first he said, that a relative could pick me up, but now his talking about an ambulance, well that can be a fun experience, i guess. This is no good. He says it shows up as bacterial then another person came up saying about Pneumonia, great  ok. F-U-N. I don't know I really just feel like stoping all this hassle and just go home and spend my days away from doctors. Away from medications and live life without worries till the end, till my body gives up on me, no on meds. >.< and its so annoying because no one understands me. Everyone tells me "keep strong" "you can do it" "dont give up" but thats not the point, I lost most of my teen life stuck at home and hospitals involved in Meds for I to still be like this, I just want to be free of drugs and worries. Where no one tells me things, or where people get me confused, or make me feel bad about myself or the mistakes I do. I'm tired of hearing everyone blaming things on me, when may be most of those times I never really do nothing bad. I'm tired, how sometimes people say they believed in you and they will never hurt you, but they always end up saying or doing something [stupid], even if that something is just a word or something so small, but IT HURTS and they dont realize that. But the truth is even though I realize it, most of the times I dont say anything and deal with it even if it hurts.
One of my really religious uncles is coming over yes he's a Priest. My nurse called him on Thursday [Friday in Spain] so I'm sure he will be here tomorrow. I have so much things to tell him, so much doubts, sadness, anger that I'm carry inside. I just want to hear his words and hear his advice and listen to what he has to say. May be what I'm thinking is wrong, may be I'm not right. Others judge me by how I am, the things I do or say, but he doesn't he never does. Although I know one of his answers and thats, "Don't give up to what you love" my uncle is amazing, but like I told him the last time we saw each other..." may be in order to not hurt the one you love you have to give it up for good." On the other hand. I try to keep strong, I try thats why I'm still here, but is just too much, that it hurts. I'm trying for my grandpa, nephews, little cousins, and for the love that I have for someone so dearly loved. The one that carries my heart and soul, that this passed days have been thinking of just letting go..... because there's too much pain and I don't want to see him hurt anymore.
Right now I'm trying not to cry... Im crying for 2 reason.. emotionally and also in pain.. but yeah...
So Nurse told me that yes I'm going to be transported to the other Hospital early morning, wanted to do it today, but he told me just to rest. yeah. I'll have all this night to think what I want to tell uncle and Kurt and If I want to stop my treatments for good. I think that would really relief my soul/spirit. [I think im going crazy....eveytime i think about that I always have that feeling that someone touches me and it gives me the chills] yea i think those are the Meds that are kicking my brain cells crazy on me..............
My nurse told me this smal rhyme and I want to share it with you all;
"You Feel you've reached your limits, but you know thats not true, you're life can out go this, its all up to you. just reach down inside, for the strength to beat, just keep on living the days, So you can get back up on your feet."
"I'm Just like a kid in this would trying to figure things out."
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| If I tell you that I love you and that I miss you would you believe me? Will you trust my broken words while I speak with tears in my eyes. Would you understand if I tell you I give up and I no longer want to fight? Do you trust im me? do you believe in me? I sit here, wondering about everything and as I see every single person part of me hopes is you and part of me just sinks... sinks to what is not possible, and drowing to what I call reality..... I don't know if I''m giving up or if my own self image and body is giving up on me...... I love who surrounds me, but sometimes when something wrong happens I feel so "tiny" from everything, like if I didn't belonged here.... like if im that "monster" that my step dad always use to make me feel when all along it was him... am I like this because of him, I dont know may be is my inner protection from everyone but if it is why do I still end up hurt? uggh! I hate this, I hate it. I hate my step parents. I hate that I'm in pain with a passion. I been waiting for my CT scan results, but as I see they told me till "Monday." Okay I guess. whatever. Then, I checked and saw that he wants me to call him.... I really wonder why.... why does he wants me to call him after he said "Bye" I won't lie, when i read his comment saying to called him my heart went crazy, but I burst out crying. My tummy feels with butterflies, but yet with a fear, a fear of what he's going to say.... but yeah.... I would of had called him, but they have me phone less right now, my cell phone not with me and on this room they took the phone away, but I know why. For some reason I feel protected here >.< odd I know, but I feel so much protected here rather than being close to those who dare to hurt me. "Who made that wound on you?" they said. "hmm. I dunno, I didn't saw who it was." I said, when all along i knew who, but w/e part of it was because I'm afraid to actually say who it is and the other part because I had to do with it to... Try "Try to picture lying there,
helpless deep in pain
Try to picture dying there
Chasing all your fears in vain Try to picture dreaming deep
Dreaming in a hospital bed
Try to picture not waking from sleep
While visions of life run through your head Try to picture all the days
You'd walk with pain and such
Try to picture all the ways
How the pain could hurt this much Try to picture being me
And striving for each day
Try to picture, just try to see
Not knowing if you'd die today." "Kate: One man........ Him, I would like to give my whole heart to. " The Lake House
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| Well today I feel so tired, but not complaining they are treating me great here. I signed papers last night for them to respect my wishes according to visitors or people wanting to know about me. So, I saw my "Doctor: like few minutes, oh man, he's concerned about me having pneumonia. I just gave him a WICKED smile and told him, "why? It can either run from getting better or just get worst." and he told me, "Well, if we can't stop it and really attacks your lungs to the point where it makes your lungs collapse, your going to intensive care and its going to be worse." I still don't get it i guess. I really don't mind. If something happens I'll know it was because of my fault. >.< and I really don't mind. Anyways he's not sure so his going to do a CT Scan to make sure whats going on, whatever it comes out to be I'll be ready to rock the boat. I don't know I'm not afraid anymore. Everything is kinda kicking in already and I really don't care anymore, there is times i feel just to give up, but when I want to for some odd reason nothing happens.... and then when I keep strong that's when everything kicks in biting me down to hit the floor. I'm also getting another unit of blood later on today. Like i told my nurse, "you guys are trying to hard!!!" but he just smiled and told me that I'm just to silly.
If tomorrow starts without me
and I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise
And find your eyes all filled with tears for me
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today
Well thinking of the many things we didn't get to say
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
And each time you think of me
I know you miss me too....
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| So I'm here once again... November 26, 2009. Thanksgiving day. A day known to be with family and friends.. To share what your thankful for and what not, a day of happiness, but no sadness. But I'm here with a heart so overwhelmed, a heart that it feels its shattering little by little, and it hurts it hurts so much.
Last night was not my day. I hardly talked to that person that I love so much, which to be honest I don't know if I have the right to call him my "hubby" anymore after I read his messages today. Yesterday, was a nightmare, my heart sinked when I heard from Kurt he was going to the hospital and I blamed my self and I couldn't bear the feeling that i had. I went to forget to find a wait out of the pain and I went to get drunk, intoxicated with alcohol at maitai club, I drank till i felt off this world and walked away since it was to crowded even to just walk. I wanted to jump the pier, thats how drunk i was, but a friend found me. I still don't know how i managed to really walk with my feets hurting like it did.
I am not a good drinker that I ended up fighting with someone i rather not mention "the name" that lead to a stab/wound..... Now I wonder, why does God wants me around, doesnt he notice im in pain? May be there is a reason that the wound they did wasnt that bad even though i lost a lot of blood due to my low platelets, today I got 1unit of blood transfusion and as I see I missed my family and the one I love for Thanksgiving and pass it here in the hospital. A Thanksgiving day in the hospital. The nurses that I have tried to make me smile with their lame jokes, silly faces, or their awkard dork nonsence, the first few seconds it worked buy after i burst out crying.
Now that I read those text that he sent me and the tweets that he wrote, I know now this is the END. The end of this chapter that once was written. I never though this was going to happen... my heart feels so weird and even if i want to hold my tears in they just flow like rain. Right now im listening to Dearly Beloved by Yoko Shimomura from the Kingdom Hearts and its making me cry my heart out... because I miss him and I will miss him always and forever. Now its passed 12am and all I ever wanted went away.
....and it hurts it hurts the thoughts he has of me... of him thinking I dont care about him or that I dont love him and all that... and it hurts that his not okay and I cant do nothing about it today.... and if destiny wants to take us through another different path I don't think I'll be strong...... In that case why didn't my heart had the strength to go to Spain on Sunday? If my life wasn't with him why didn't i left, If we weren't meant to be why am i still here, why do I cry?
He said Bye... those words I never wanted to hear... those words I always fear.... Im trying to keep strong, but I cant. Now I have a feeling that if we start thing over again from the start things will never be the same... :[
I love Kurt like I never loved before.... At first I was afraid, I was afraid to open my heart even though I had a big crush on him ever since February. I was afraid hearing him telling me he loves me. I was afraid to open my heart to a new love, because I was badly hurt in my past. Because back then it took me years to get over the pain, but then he came in and made it all better and worth it.... He always manages to make my heart race and get those butterflies when we talk everyday and even if i think of him i get butterflies... My penguin, the love of my life, my only one..... im done if this is the end... may be because we both are so stubborn is hard, but i will never forget him... Is hard to actually realize that this is all over. That it hurts when i breathe. How am I going to be able to see up to the sky, hear music, without thinking of him?
I remember what a nurse told me when he gave me my cell and saw that I burst out crying. As he saw my phone dropped he picked it up and read my messages. I didn't mind but he made me think when he told me, " I think he's a lier." Of course i got mad, but then I thought that this wasn't the 1st time someone ever told me that.... but it cant be I trust him and i will always trust him no matter what............................. even if sometimes when he gets me sad or mad i think he's a glibness, manipulative, conning, pathological at lying, coldhearted, arrogant, lack of remorse, shallow, callousness, Impulsive, narcissist, and reckless person.... but thats because i get mad, because deep in me i know that even if he was who cares, I love him no matter how he is, only that he loves me its all it counts, even if most of his life he doesn't believe in me or trust me... all it counts and all i want is just love, just a little bit of love because my love for him is endlessly forever and that I know is for sure...
.....Sigh......
I don't know, even though I know I can't work or go to school I dont care anymore and Im going to pretend everything is okay and go to work and school again to forget and take the pain away. To get distracted and not think because if i think i'll only think would of him and the need to run away would be there and if i leave that would be far away and forever...and may be if I stay.... in someway i'll be kinda close to him, and may be and may be then.. somewhere out there at a job related duty we will bump into each other.... *sigh* I think then I'll melt and get tachycardia all at once.... all I know is i will not and I am not letting go no matter what.
So I can't sleep and my nurse "kinda" understand. He took my phone away after he read my messages, but he managed to let me use his laptop to blog... It's late, and all im hoping for all this to be just a dream...
Seriously.....
How can you forget someone when you love them to death... more than what you love yourself, life, and the universe?
Someone that you can see yourself to everyday of your entire life?
Someone that makes your heart go wild and gives you butterflies?
Someone that you can relate to in so many ways?
Someone that you have similar interest?
I miss him... I love him...
I love the fact that he's a fantasy freak.. That he loves amine, video games like I do. I never met someone with whom to share these type of interest.. and i love it... because for once a guy didSo I'm here once again... November 26, 2009. Thanksgiving day. A day known to be with family and friends.. To share what your thankful for and what not, a day of happiness, but no sadness. But I'm here with a heart so overwhelmed, a heart that it feels its shattering little by little, and it hurts it hurts so much.
Sigh... Time to rest i guess...
by the way Thanksgiving in a Hospital is not so bad.. Kinda sad seeing others with relatives, but may be deep in my heart i wasnt alone, because i know in someway DAD was with me in this day protecting me.
They gave me some "fake turkey" meaning chicken. but yeah...
and this is what my preyer of grace of thanks for dinner was;
"I'm thankful not only because life is giving me another chance to live, but im more thankful that life grant me with the most amazing gift of all. May be at this time he might hate me, but i know deep in our hearts we are connected as one... but I thank God and life not only for that but for making me fall in love with someone like Kurt, for having an amazing grandpa, and all my friends and family that have stood by me thick and thin, for them I give them my life and heart... and I will always be thankful for being loved by them."
I look at the clock,
it says 2:41,
i know thinking of you,
ill never be done,
you run through my mind,
and occupy all my time,
i think of you constantly,
for some reason i cant stop,
knowing that for always,
you'll forever have my heart,
my days go by so slow,
cause you run through my head,
i said I'd love you forever,
amd thats the truth
i know I'll be thinking of you,
till the day i am dead,
now still all these thoughts,
just run through my brain,
cant stop thinking of Kurt,
i think i'm going insane,
i feel i wanna kill myself,
people say thats not what to do,
but i turn and look at the clock,
and it says it's only 2:42....
---
Knowing you were something I had
I Did not want to let you go
Even though I knew I was hurting you
The longer I let it drag on
I had to be true
So now I sit back thinking...
I want to call you my knight in armour
Even knowing you could be in disguise
The thought was so good....
You are a great guy
Humorous, intelligent and attractive
......
You will meet that girl that will never let you down
Or hold you back from anything you want to do
You have more potential than you think
Hopefully one day you will notice that too.
I love you....
If you're going through hell, keep going.
~ Winston Churchill
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.
~ Emily Dickinson
“Cancer comes into a life and worms its way in. It’s the unspoken presence every day of the person’s life—‘the cancer’s back’ or ‘in remission’ are common references in the life of the person with cancer. However, it continues to be the people who can fight it that make the whole disease seem beatable and worth fighting.”
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